Mother & I in headlock over son's birthday/thanksgiving, we're vegan, she's not!?!
Now, my mother has offered to make my son a cake for his 1st birthday, but is insisting on making it with eggs/dairy (we have family history of milk on my son's fathers side, son hasn't any allergies yet, but I don't want to chance it).
She also wants to invite us for Thanksgiving, and prepare a spread but now is reconsidering even inviting us because she doesn't want to "offend our sensitivities". She has not offered to let me cook or bring food...
Basically she's giving an all-or-nothing: We come over, we eat what she prepares. Or we don't come over and I have that hanging over my head forever.
I would like to go there, with a compromise:
She lets me bring some Thanksgiving dishes to share, she lets me bring vegan ice cream (tofuttie or whatever), and she gets to make the cake & thanksgiving.
Does this sound resonable? (more)
Answers: My mother knows my eating preferences include no animal products. Just as I know my mother's eating preferences include keeping Kosher...
Now, my mother has offered to make my son a cake for his 1st birthday, but is insisting on making it with eggs/dairy (we have family history of milk on my son's fathers side, son hasn't any allergies yet, but I don't want to chance it).
She also wants to invite us for Thanksgiving, and prepare a spread but now is reconsidering even inviting us because she doesn't want to "offend our sensitivities". She has not offered to let me cook or bring food...
Basically she's giving an all-or-nothing: We come over, we eat what she prepares. Or we don't come over and I have that hanging over my head forever.
I would like to go there, with a compromise:
She lets me bring some Thanksgiving dishes to share, she lets me bring vegan ice cream (tofuttie or whatever), and she gets to make the cake & thanksgiving.
Does this sound resonable? (more)
"I would like to invite you to a Thanksgiving and prepare a meal for you, but I can't ask you to a meal that goes against your sensitivities"
It doesn't seem to me that your mom is so much giving you an "all or nothing" as she is trying to make it known that she is bothered by your choice to be vegan. There is a lot more going on here than Thanksgiving! The problem as I see it (between the lines) is that your mom is hurt because, in a way, you have rejected her ideals and the way she has taught you to eat (kosher) for your own (vegan). Food is rarely just about nourishment -- your mom wants to prepare a meal for you the way she used to be able to when you were a child and to do the same for your son. The act probably triggers strong (yet subconscious?) memories for her --of raising you, of caring for her family, of how she was cared for as a child herself. However, you want to step in, change tradition... this gives her a sense that you see what she has passed on to you as "worthless" if not offensive. Imagine how strongly you feel about veganism -- you are so careful to nourish your son in the way you feel is best -- and twenty years down the line he decides not only is veganism not for him, he wants to bring lamb chops over for dinner. "But, Mom, my son LOVES lamb chops. What do you mean you won't serve them for dinner?" With all this, I'm not saying she's right and you're wrong (actually, I don't know what I'm saying, I just polished off a bottle of wine). I THINK all I'm saying is she's being so immoveable because she feels rejected. She loves you the way you love your son, so, soften your heart, bring your own dishes and serve your son the tofuttie. Eventually, he will be able to make his own decisions about what he likes anyway... just like you did. Best of luck!
You can tell her from dr a sense it can make you very sick w vomiting if you havent had those products in while the day of thanksgiving is not the day to eat twenty products with things you have no had in forever....and son hasnt had those products either so eating a cake would make him sick!!!
Serve two cakes. Make one vegan and one not and then let guests decide which they eat. As for the dishes, it is easy enough to bring lots of veggie dishes and stick to those.
As a non-vegan, I will say this much. I have a cousin who is a vegan and during meals she will sit and groan at anyone eating animal products though she swears she had no idea she was doing it. If you've EVER done this with your mom even unintentionally, I can guarantee she'll never forget it and that will make her hesitant to invite.
You are being very reasonable.There may not be a way to settle this one.The best you can do is offer to bring a couple of items,tell mom you would love to share the holiday with her.
And you would like to share some of the things you prepare with whomever would like to experience it. But you don't want to alter her dinner at all. If she still is against it make your own meal at home and invite her for desert. Tell her you love her but you are wanting to make the holiday good for everyone.
You're mother just sounds very hard headed. You said she hasn't offered to let you bring some dishes. Have you outright asked her? If she's insisting you come over and eat only her food without being able to bring something for everyone to share and that you can have also, then she is totally in the wrong. You don't want to go against your beliefs and risk putting your body in shock just to appease someone else. What if you offered to come over very early and make some dishes with her? Then she might not feel like you are insulting her cooking by bringing something else to eat for yourself.
I have the same issues (all or nothing) with my mother sometimes. Not over the food, but over how I choose to raise my child. I finally sat my mother down. I told her that it was time we talked to each other like adults and she had to start viewing me as an adult. I told her that either we could compromise or I wouldn't come around as much. That meant niether would her grandchild. I told her I was not mad at her and I respected her opinions, but I also deserved the same respect. That got her to quiet down a little so we could talk like adults. Everything ended up okay. She still pushes my buttons occassionally, but I remind her that she agreed to respect me as an adult. I think the hardest thing for mothers is treating their children like adults. They still want to view us as their babies and they still want to try to help us. She probably means well, but it still gets irritating. Also, she sounds a little like my mother. My mother wants to try to tell me how to raise my child. She thinks she has already done it and she knows best. I calmly tell her she had her turn to raise children, now it is my turn. Good luck and hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving!!
It doesn't sound like you're talkng about your own mother here, it sounds like a rude great aunt or something. If you can't open up to your mother, who can you open up to?! If I was in your situation I'd say "Thank you for inviting us to dinner, lets just share the part of cooking and don't be silly because you don't have to be worried about offending our sensitivities. We'll both bake cakes for ______'s Birthday and then there is no problem."
call her and say, "mother i love you dearly and i respect you but I would really like it if you respected my choices in life. I would love to go to your house for thanks giving, but we have to compromise. You can cook your thanksgiving dinner and i will make a few of my side dishes and some tofu for me." the worse that could happen was her getting mad. I hope i helped and maybe see if she can make something that doesn't call for any milk products for your sons B-day. Just a little advise, wait for him to start talking before you let him try new foods so that he can tell you if he is having a reaction from it. Do what is best for your child and let your child make the choice of being vegan, vegetarian, or else wise.
Wow, what a situation. All you can do is tell your mother what you NEED, and if she doesn't respect that I don't know what you can do besides cutting ties with her for a while. You are being beyond reasonable with her, but she's not offering you the same respect. No offense, but she sounds like a very toxic person.
Family and friends should always be supportive of your dietary choices (as long as they are healthy). What you put into your body is one of the most personal things in this world, so you should not be made to feel bad and ostracized because of it. I don't really see what the big deal is. My husband and I are vegetarian and my family always makes sure they have things we can eat and I know that my mother would never, ever be offended if I wanted to bring my own dishes. She would respect my wishes and decision of what I feed my child. No offense, I know she is your mom and everything, but it sounds like she is being ridiculous and making a huge fuss over something that, in reality, is not a big deal at all.
I would tell her that you want to bake the cake with your son. After reading what you posted I wouldn't trust her to make it vegan safe. She just doesn't seem to respect or even to care to try to understand how you have chosen to eat and feed your child.
As for Thanksgiving I would tell her that you would love to come but you don't want to put her out. So you will be bringing some vegan dishes to eat and share.
Remind her that you love her and tell her if she really wants to know her grandchild, she will compromise with you on these issues. She cannot force you to eat the way she does no more than you can force her to eat your way. You are being reasonable and it's not working. Give her the ultimatum and stick to it. Compromise or you'll not see her. Stop being nice, you are a mom and you have to do what's best for your child in your eyes. (I'm sure she did the same for you when you were growing up.) Just so you know, I am NOT a vegan. I just wanted to look at your questions and answers, I'm learning alot!
Aw, you poor thing! I feel for you. I am going through a bit of a frustrating period with my family about this holiday as well. It's hard for people to understand why it's so important to us to eat according to our guidelines. I have, many times, thought about how rough it could be when we have a kid. I can absolutely see either of our parents sneaking the kid snacks that I wouldn't want him or her eating and I don't know how I would handle that. I would probably never allow them to visit the child alone if I ever found out they were going behind my back like that.
If she really is making it an all-or-nothing situation I would take the nothing and prepare your family a feast that celebrates the way YOU live and try to do some other get-together with them soon on your terms, maybe at YOUR house where you have more control. As for the cake, I would explain to your mother how strongly you feel about your child not eating eggs or dairy and if she'd like to make a cake you can bring some recipes that she can choose from and you guys can make it together. I wouldn't trust her to make it without eggs by herself. I would NOT give in and let her make the cake her way, with eggs. That is ridiculous and offensive for her to even suggest it, knowing that your and your child are strict vegetarians.
Good luck! I think you'll get through this just fine and it won't seem like such a big deal in a few years once she gets used to the idea of YOUR child being vegan (or strict/pure vegetarian or whatever you are calling it).
This shikseh whose a real fresser would love to go to your mother's home and eat a delicious Kosher meal without being the kvetch you are.