Is it right to fall in love with a smoker and drinker?!
But there's a big problem: He smokes & drinks. You may raise your eyebrows & say So What? well, it's bec. i have had enough domestic abuse in my family bec. my dad had a smoking & drinking problem. I even live separately now from my dad after i graduated College coz i just couldn't take all the garbage & wastedness that my dad becomes whenever he was drunk.He just can't quit. The guilt,anger & shame over our situation was too much.Bec. of my dad's alcoholism, my mom left us even when i was still 6 years old.But i still love my dad,he's the sweetest guy when sober but very emotional & argumentative when drunk. So now, i am so so afraid that my history would repeat itself & this time i'm afraid it's going to be my own family that someday i will have. I don't want to be judgmental, i just can't help being careful & wise before making any stupid decision that i would regret for the rest of my life. It really confuses me bec. i am starting to fall for this guy & would actually want to go out with him. But the relationship i want to build with him if ever he asks me out will be a serious one & that someone i would consider marrying. But now i am struggling with so much fear in my heart, it's so hard trying to deny that i am starting to fall for him bec. i don't want to get hurt & find out what if he is just like my father who cares about his drinking more than his family,wife & kids. Now, i can't help imagining about my fears and future regrets in my mind & i picture myself ten years from now:a battered wife,haggardly taking care of her little kids & here's this guy whom i fell in love comes home drunk every night & fights with me alot & that he's jobless or couldn't find a decent job & he had no money but has money for his drinking sprees. I know i am a bit overboard but for me love is a choice not just a feeling or else i would end up being the victim stuck in a dysfunctional family line the rest of my life.I prayed to God about this that He will lead me the right way. I badly need some good advice from you guys...i don't want to make the same mistakes all over again that my parents did that they ended up separated,it really is not a happy thing...I want to love but i don't want to risk if it's not worth it in the first place...Your opinion is very much appreciated & will help me realize many things before its too late...tnx
Answers:
Well, I can't tell you yes or no for sure. I'm a girl who loves to drink and smoke but I know my limits. Guys on the other hand, they're a little more mysterious. Before marriage, they seem to be really great people and the things that you are talking like abuse are things that don't even enter your mind.
Most of the time before marriage, they try to impress you and they cover up themselves. During marriage when they know they have you for sure, they let out some of their secrets out. For all you know, further down the road he'll start hitting you when he's in drunken rage, not that I'm hoping that will happen.
My grade 7 teacher told me these exacts words and they've changed me surprisingly, she said Colleen, you can't change people, but you can influence others to change their ways. What she was trying to say is, you can't just try to change the way somebody is but you can influence them to change their habits. YOU CAN INFLUENCE THIS MAN TO CUT BACK ON THE DRINKING AND SMOKING SO YOU BOTH COULD HAVE BETTER LIVES TOGETHER! You don't have to tell him straight out Stop drinking! because he most likely will feel offended if he doesn't. Once you know for sure that he's cutting back or drinking on special occassions, then you can marry him or go further in your relationship. I'll suggest waiting a few years before having children however to see if he changes his habits during marriage.
Love is blind.
William Shakespeare.
It sounds like you already know the answer to your question. History repeats itself.
You yourself knows what is good for you.
Is it ever right to fall in love?
NO
Drinker yes, smoker NO.
You have had a very bad experience with alcohol, and nicotine, and I see how that has coloured your view of these habits.
Not everyone who drinks is an alcoholic. I for instance have a pint or two a day in the evening usually. From time to time I will get drunk, but it is not all the time. Most people are like this, and will drink socially, but it is not a problem.
Smoking is more inconsiderate than drinking as it poisons the air around the person doing it as well. However, while many cruel people smoke, a lot of good people do too. Please do not judge someone based on these (admittedly unhealthy) lifestyle choices.